Posted by: itneverrainsinseattle | June 23, 2010

I am a Fucking Moron

I was planning to write a post today posing the question, “Is the Universe trying to tell me something?”

I mean, when I started this blog, yes, the financial house of cards was coming down, and I was stymied over whether to finally have “The Talk” with Penny that I knew would lead to divorce. As I wrapped up my previous post, I thought about all that has transpired in the seven or eight months since then. Quite a bit, actually.

And just as it seemed that I’d turned my own financial ship around, I had to go and sever my ACL and require knee surgery. Just as we needed to start packing up some of the extraneous stuff at our house so that it will look less cluttered when we put it on the market (this coming week).

And I spoke with a friend today who said, “Well, maybe the Universe is trying to tell you something,” by having all this crap happen at once — divorce, moving, job change, surgery. He was thinking that maybe the Universe was trying to tell me it’s time for an absolutely complete reset.

Well, then. After that conversation, I had a chat with Penny. And Penny blamed yet another random thing on my “10-day vacation” (as she always refers to it). Lately, this has been a huge theme for her — blaming everything on my “10-day vacation.” And I finally said words to the effect that she was blaming everything on my “10-day vacation”, including things that happened months ago, and that maybe that wasn’t called for.

To which she responded that “your children paid for your 10-day vacation. And they’re still paying for it.

While I was gone, she was stretched rather thin, and she attributes every unfortunate behavior on the part of the kids to my absence. (And, let’s be fair… if child #3 was a little bit more clingy, it’s entirely reasonable to suspect that my absence contributed to his separation anxiety. I have no doubt that there were some extra pressures brought to bear by my absence, but I also don’t think every fight and every whine and every cry has a direct causal link to me being gone, either.)

This is the first time she ever threw “your kids” into my face, but the message is what I always suspected she believed: I am a selfish prick who never thinks of others, and I obviously don’t care about my kids.

We swapped shouts at each other for a moment or two (which we almost never do), and then she hung up on me. Which I hate. I hate, I hate, I hate.

And then I did the stupidest thing. I was pissed off, and I decided to take out my pissed-off-edness out on an inanimate object. I threw that fucking phone at the fucking wall.

And missed.

And that, ladies and germs, is why I. Am. A Fucking. Moron.

See, my knee doesn’t work. So the physics of my throw were all off. And my laptop… was… well, my laptop was sitting on the bed. Minding it’s own business. And the phone, instead of hitting the wall, smacked my computer dead center and smashed the LCD display into a fucking kaleidoscope of cracks.

This is the cost of anger, my friends. I never release my anger like that. Never. And the one time I do, holy crap do I make the price tag a doozey.

I’m writing this on the work laptop that I do my database work on. This machine is way old, and has no built-in camera, so no Skyping or iChatting for me. Worse yet… all my fiction writing is on my personal machine. Etc., etc.

I’ll find out tomorrow how much it will cost to repair the screen, but I’m afraid that given the computer’s age (three years?), and given how much repairs like that tend to cost ($400 or so), I’m going to find myself in a situation where it’s not cost effective to repair it, and it’s not cost effective to replace it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am such a moron. And I hate admitting to you, my friends, what a fucking moron I am. But, well, if you can’t tell your secret bloggy friends, who can you tell?

Oh, and please pardon the profanity. My social filters got cracked, along with my pride.

I’m not expecting any sleep tonight. Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit my Oxycodone prescription.

Feh.

Oh, and PS: yes, my knee still hurts. I gave it quite a workout after my computer’s untimely injury, though. Paced back and forth for about ten minutes without my crutches. Well, “paced” is a generous term. “Limped angrily,” is more accurate, perhaps.  On Monday, my doctor said I’d need to get in as much walking as I could manage. Today’s little episode is the first walking without crutches that I’ve managed to do.

You know, in the right hands, this entire scene could be filmed as a comedy. Well, if it happened to someone else, it could be. (Why am I picturing Cameron from the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off ranting in the background?)

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Responses

  1. Yeah. I read the message you left me. Sorry I didn’t have time to respond before now.

    Don’t beat yourself up too much. We all make mistakes. Dwelling on them doesn’t much improve things. Oh, and right now, I’m also discovering that burying your head in the sand doesn’t either.

    Big hugs! Miss you.

  2. Oy veh. As much as I feel for you and this immediate calamity of the computer, I worry for what transpired between you and Penny. I suspect (as do you) that her rant is one that will continue for some time to follow. I suspect (and I think you do too) that her anger about your “selfish vacation” has much more to do about her than the children. Your selfish act showed a kink in her armor.

    After all, a mostly stay-at-home mom should be A-OK with being senior partner for 10 days. Mind you, not me. I’m not now, nor will I ever be that woman. I suspect her anger comes from the fact that you are no longer putting her needs first (and I think you did). I worry that, if this stretched her thin, what will she do with single parenthood?

    Oh, and the rest totally had me rolling. I’m sorry. It was FUCKING hysterical. Unfortunately, but highly entertaining. I would have paid to watch the YouTube. I am a very, very bad person.

    To make you feel better, I once had a knock-down drag out with my then boyfriend, Igor. I threw an onion at him, missed of course (nothing to do with body physics, I just can’t throw well), had the onion bounce off the floor, and ricochet through the flat entry-way smashing a vase, knocking over books and finally breaking a full-length mirror before dropping into a boot. It happens.

  3. Ugh. It pains me just to read this. You are in such a state of limbo. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. It’s not surprising that you have some bottled-up angst. I hope you get to move forward soon.

  4. Hey, we all have fucking moron moments. I’ve had so many that now I have a stress ball that I throw against the wall. It usually does no damage other than scaring the cats.

    I agree with Suzanne that Penny’s aggravation at your “10-day vacation” has much more to do with her own insecurities than with your behavior. Maybe she’s realizing how much she’s taken you for granted. She’s probably going to have a lot of growing pains once you two separate and she doesn’t have your support 24/7.

  5. Agree on not beating yourself up too much…but if it were me, I’d be yelling at myself too, cuz let’s face it, it’s what we do when we do something we normally wouldn’t, or regret doing. So sorry to hear about the craptastic night you had, and hopefully you are feeling better today (mentally and physically!). Hugs…

  6. Yep. Been there, done that. One day it will be a distant memory.

  7. Update: $700 to $800 to replace the screen. So, there’s no point in replacing the screen. Either replace the computer, or buy and lug around an external monitor for a while. Which would be silly. Here, I picture Steve Martin in The Jerk carrying around his lamp.

    BTW, I love you guys. I do feel better this morning.

    And yes, Suzanne, I realized as I was typing it how funny the situation was. But, you know… comedy is what happens to *other people*.

  8. yikes. don’t you love it when they find the soft place to jam the knife?

  9. I’m sorry if I may have laughed a bit in this. That is one shitty day. Reset button? How about an easy button?

  10. I’ve often wanted to throw a vase or a plate full of food or something equally as potentially bad at the wall. The only thing that has kept me from doing it is the thought of the cleanup. 🙂

  11. My goodness! That’s crazy. That’s super sucky day, my bloggy friend. Let that be a lesson to us all — dont throw things in anger since those things could most likely careen into other expensive shit. Here’s to a better day! 🙂

  12. I’m getting into this discussion a bit late, but what Suzanne says rings very true to me.

    I’ve been on the wrong side of this “your kids” discussion for many years, and I watched my father get beaten down into a breakdown through such tactics. I happen to believe that this practice should be declared a marital war crime.

    The only thing I ever found that works in defense, even temporarily, is to refuse to fight. To steal liberally from Sun Tzu in describing your situation: you are not ready to fight, you are not on a battle ground that is acceptable to you, and you do not know your enemy (and I use that word advisedly just to illustrate the point) or her disposition. You can only lose.

    At least you recognize what was driving Penny’s rage at you. She can’t surprise you with this attack again!


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