Posted by: itneverrainsinseattle | February 24, 2011

The Goods

The paperwork is filed. The checklist is being worked. The calendar advances, and I’m ever closer to the end of my marriage as far as Washington State is concerned. I’m living in my own place. I’m financially separated (our business notwithstanding). The parenting plan is in effect and my STBX and I are working well as co-parents. I have a job. I have a predictable schedule. And soon, I will have the time and availability to date.

So… now that I’m leaving my marriage roughly fifteen years older than when I was last an eligible bachelor, what am I looking for?

I’ve noticed a lot of Lists on my fellow bloggers sites; lists of what they want, what they like, what they don’t want, what is non-negotiable. I’ve enjoyed reading them all. Some have been very detailed; one of the most beautiful lists I read was written by my friend and fellow blogger C; if the post were publicly available, I’d link to it here. But it was eloquent in how it conveyed a strong sense of self while also explicitly asking the universe for very specific qualities in her future mate. Truth be told, if you changed the gender and one or two minor specifics, that list would very easily describe my ideal companion.

Am I looking for a companion? A committed relationship? I’m sure I am, down the road. But right now, that’s not my primary goal. I’m not in a rush to get married again — although, I won’t say “Never,” either. But while I eventually want a solid, committed relationship, I think right now what I’m looking for is a little less ambitious. What I want right now is simply to share five good things.

The trick, however, is that I would like to share each of these five good things with the same person (whoever that woman may be).

In no particular order, here are the goods that I want to share:

  • Good music. Although I no longer play and no longer sing, and my radio jockey days are far behind me, I still appreciate music, and I want someone to share that with. Pop, rock, country, rap, classical, novelty, you name it. Oh, don’t get me wrong — I don’t love it all. There’s a lot of crap out there. But there’s so much excellent stuff to choose from! I love the joy, the despair, the silliness, and the serious. She doesn’t have to be a ginsu master of “Name That Tune,” but I want someone with whom I can share at least an appreciation for good music.
  • Good movies and books. These are the stories that form the backdrop of our modern culture, and of our very identity. Does she view Hamlet as a tragedy or a comedy? Who is John Galt, and should we even care? Did Han shoot first, and how cool would it have been if Ridley Scott at his prime had directed Star Wars? I love the movies and, when given the opportunity, am a voracious reader. Hell, I’ve had some of my own fiction published. Science fiction, drama, comedy, horror, satire, fantasy, thrillers, biographies, documentaries… bring ’em on! I want to go to the theater with her to see the latest Pixar or Christopher Nolan flick. Or share a new Stephen King story or an old Carl Sagan essay while lazing on a Sunday afternoon. Or fool around on the couch while Groundhog Day plays on the TV. She doesn’t have to like or even have seen/read all the same movies or the same books, but she should have an opinion, and enjoy sharing what she loves about good movies and good books.
  • Good food. As I may have hinted elsewhere on this site, I like to cook and I like to eat. I’m not a gourmet chef by any stretch of the imagination, but I do enjoy a good meal. I want someone to share a couple slices of a Pagliacci’s pizza with, or a B & O Espresso milkshake, or some of my homemade jambalaya. Again, we don’t have to have identical tastes, but the answer to the garlic question must be “Yes, please,” and cilantro is a plus. I want someone with whom to break bread. Good food is, after all, one of the great sensual pleasures.
  • Good sex. After the long drought that was my marriage, I look forward to sharing my bed with someone who wants to be there. The key, I think, is exactly what my aforementioned friend described: a partner who is adventurous in bed, and who is able to talk freely about likes, dislikes, desires, and feelings. Yes, I want to cuddle up on the couch, and I’m not afraid to publicly display affection. Those are part of a healthy physical relationship; they do not, however, take the place of one.
  • Good conversation. I want a dialog. I want to exchange ideas, and maybe see the world from a different point of view. What are her passions and why? Where do they take her? Let’s share stories and outlooks and plans and dreams and concerns. Good conversation engages my brain, and that, my friends, is a total turn on for me.

This is what I want, Universe, at least for now: to share these good things with a good woman.

It’s not everything, but it’s something. I dare say that for now, it strikes me as the good life.

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Responses

  1. Glad to see that everything is going well. Your want list is something we should all have.

  2. This is such a good list. It is full of the basic needs you want right now. There is no need to go flying into another relationship but the company is great. I’m so happy for you…you are on your way!

  3. Amen to ALL those things!

    Glad to see things are moving along. After I made my list, over 2 years ago, I realized, at the end of the list, that I needed to BE all of the qualities I was asking the universe for in a partner. After all, we get what we give away. Like attracts like. And all that…

    Sounds like you’re off to a great start.

  4. What I like most about this list is that it is specific but not so much so that it very rigid in what you want, but it also shows that you want someone with a brain (check! always a plus. nothing like good conversation!) and that meets some of your similar needs. I think you will find that you will add stuff to your list as you start dating, and see what you do like and what you don’t, but I personally can’t wait to hear about your first date. Not that there is a rush or anything 😉

  5. Good list.

    Hope you have fun shopping for the one or two special people who will fulfill it.

  6. I have to agree with jobo that I’m happy to see that it’s not so specific that what you’re really looking for is never going to be realized. Too many others have a solid and rigid set of … well, rules their future partner must follow and who the heck can stand up to a laundry list of steel-lined ‘preferences’? Check out any dating site and you’ll see what I mean.

    Love the line saying that the answer to more garlic would be “Yes, please!”

    Now if you find someone who like her pepperoni pizza with anchovies, you’ve hit the motherload!

  7. I want to leave an intelligent and insightful comment but all I can think to say is:

    Awesome.

    I. Love. That. List.

  8. That’s my list, exactly. Well, not in that order, but yes, those 5 things for sure!

  9. Congrats on the list … I’ve started on mine. I like T’s comment … Are you thinking of going online? What site?

  10. Congratulations on moving forward into your own life. I’m at a similar stage in the divorce process, and life is sweet!

    I wrote a similar series of things in the early days of dating the man I’m with now (http://bit.ly/fwWXXC). But I just had to comment about the good food bit. S is terribly picky about food! That is one thing that I have to forgive in him, and it is difficult. I eat everything, and I love experiencing new food (a reason I struggle with my weight).

    So just to say, that when you find someone who is everything else you want and need, things like sharing good food *can* be overlooked. It is hard though. But in the grand scheme of things, it is not a major deal, I suppose. (And I discovered the sushi place I frequent will wrap in rice paper instead of nori, so his excuse there will no longer work. ha ha Bring on the sushi rolls!)

  11. Simple. Doesn’t every relationship need those things?
    And Han did shoot first. Doesn’t everyone know that?

  12. I think your list is perfect. 🙂 It’s good to be with someone you have things in common with, and more importantly, someone whose company you enjoy. Congratulations on finally getting to this point- I know you’ve been wanting this for a long time.

  13. It’s exciting, isn’t it, to be at a point in your separation / divorce where you can actually not only compile the list and put it out there to the Universe … but also be able to act on it should the Universe provide you with a candidate? Great list.

  14. Hey there, I’m a friend of many of the bloggers who have already commented. I found your blog through one of theirs – probably Jobo (the Kevin Bacon of bloggers). I love your list. It’s simple and achievable and meaningful. You learn what’s really important after living life a bit, huh?

    Also, I’m going to Seattle with IntrigueMe at the end of April. Maybe I’ll get to meet you in person then! 🙂

  15. This sounds like a GREAT life, if you ask me. And if you make it your business to not settle for less, then you WILL have them all.

  16. i definitely like jobo’s description of your list: specific, but not rigid. there’s a lot of room there. and there’s time. the best part about being divorced is the freedom to stretch, move and seek something more… you. with that kind of mindset, there’s no question you can get it when you’re ready.

    (and i am so with you – the good sex part is CRITICAL.)

  17. Hi! It’s been way too long, but this morning as I got caught up on all my dearest blogger friends, I was so happy to read this last post of yours. I know this road has been a very long one for you and I’m so happy for you that you’ve gone so, so far. I think your list is great. I wrote a list too when I was looking to be in a relationship again after my break-up. I really found that having that list helped me visualize the man I wanted to be with and when he came along, I was able to spot him immediately. 🙂 Good luck in your search and keep that list handy, it’s great!

    • Can I just say Le Bonheur it is good to see you around!!


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