Posted by: itneverrainsinseattle | January 2, 2010

The Divorce is On

We had The Talk tonight (Friday night, January 1st, 2010).

It went as well as I imagine any such talk could go. We are in agreement with regard to the big picture. There are no illusions. Nobody has been misreading the situation. She doesn’t want to be married to me (although divorce is scary to her, as it has been to me), and I can’t stay in this situation as it is.

We discussed and agree upon principles for divvying up our stuff, figuring out a shared child custody plan, etc. We still need to work out the details, but at least we have a mutually acceptable starting point.

Although I’ve mentioned it here before, I don’t know that I’ve stressed it enough: our financial situation is precarious, and a great deal needs to be resolved with regard to our financial house before we can finalize a divorce plan. We both need to find reliable income tout de suite. I have genuine concerns about what happens if I find reliable income soon and she doesn’t… concerns, in particular, about her dragging this out. I will be keeping a close eye on the situation. I will not allow my life to continue to be bled away one day at a time. And I delicately (but firmly) said as much to Penny.

That said, we’ve begun to figure out what our divorce is going to look like. Our marriage is over.

Penny is officially my Soon-To-Be-Ex-Wife.

2010. We’re only one day in, and already, you’re proving to be a rather consequential year.

I wonder what January 2nd has in store.



  1. I’m not sure congratulations is the right term, but I feel like there should be a word for such a big step. I’m sure that, even after you’ve been working through your feelings, it must have been hard to have it out on the table. The breakup of any relationship, especially a marriage, is tragic. But at the same time, now that it’s all out in the open it can be dealt with. Today really is the beginning of the rest of your life, and that’s exciting, although of course you have a long slog ahead of you. But by taking this step, you’ve given yourself another shot at happiness, and you should be proud of yourself! I really hope you’re able to resolve the details as quickly and painlessly as possible, and that you and Penny are able to maintain this co-operative approach, especially for the sake of your kids. So not congratulations, but here’s very best wishes coming your way!

  2. It sounds like it’s going well to begin with. Your discussion sounds as if two adults were interacting for the good of their responsibilities. The sticky issue is going to be financing this breakup. Without sufficient income, it isn’t going to happen as you have discussed so far. I suggest you discuss a contingency plan in case your concerns are realized.

    Good luck. I’ll send you what positive energy I can.

  3. Wow. Reading that, I was “there” with you – I could feel it in my gut, the many feelings that fly through you, sadness, fear, but also a feeling of finality, knowing that it is moving forward. Though in my case, the divorce wasn’t my decision (and now, I am thankful for it), and yours is, I know the journey through this will be trying, but it sounds like you have the strength to push forward and start over. I’ll be reading…and good luck, also sending positive vibes (as ToppHogg is above).

  4. I hate to be the negative nelly but document as much as you can, just in case…

    Also, if you can manage it, I highly recommend you go and see Up in the Air. As someone who is transitioning, it shifted my perspective slightly on some things. And it was fun to go to the movies.

  5. It sounds like you guys started this on the right foot. I know it is a long path but it does help to try to stay on somewhat of the same page. That was the first step and now it is done and over. I hope you feel some sort of relief about that and may this year still take you on a path that leads to a New Years Eve kiss next year.

  6. […] bloggers I follow, who are 2,3,10 years into being divorced, for example). He wrote a powerful post yesterday, as his divorce is just beginning, and I will be glued to his following posts to see how […]

  7. Yes…document everything. This blog may actually come in handy as well.)
    Congratulations! (Yeah, that’s the right word…)
    You are entering a new phase of your life. A year from now, it will all be different.
    I promise.

  8. “Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning”.

    Sir Winston Churchill, Speech in November 1942
    British politician (1874 – 1965)

    Anyhow, welcome back to reality. It can be empowering.

  9. Leah’s comment (the congratulations part) made me think of this e-card.

  10. From the looks of what you’ve written, 2010 is going to be hard — job, finances, divorce, separate homes (perhaps home selling in a soft market), and sharing your children.

    What’s good, of course, is the support system you’ve put into place. Friends, exercise, family and blogging are all positive mechanisms given that, even though you AGREE to divorce, you will be enduring a pretty painful event.

    Since things are currently as good as they can get with Penny, it’s important to continue putting systems into place for the impending divorce. And yes, keeping records and track of “agreements.” Nothing makes amicable bitter quite like mis-remembrances.

    I’d love to read that child rearing agreements are in place, rules and structures that are the same regardless of home. I’d love to read that both of you, regardless of income, enter into therapy so that these issues are addressed, and whenever possible, erased. I’d love to read that you have an agreement about introducing kids to new “partners” in place, including the inevitable remarriages.

    I am thankful that you are moving away from a place which has wrecked your self-esteem and self-worth. While congratulations seems inappropriate, it’s all I can offer.

    I wish you well in your divorce. It’s the single most important thing you need to do right this year.

    And because this is who I am, please don’t muck it up by going head-first into the first woman who finds you interesting. I still say you need to take time off (6-12 MONTHS) to reflect WHY you allowed THIS for so long. Because, my friend, you should start as you intend to go. You need to be very clear in your mind what the next relationship is going to look like.

  11. Congratulations. Get a lawyer, and document everything. You may want to get Penny to sign an agreement about visitation, basic distribution of goods, plans for child support, etc… before you get a lawyer (while things are still amicable). If you can get that stuff ironed out, it’ll go a long way toward easing the transition into temporary legal agreements and final settlement.

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