Posted by: itneverrainsinseattle | December 27, 2009

Dread

I’m dreading having The Talk. I’m dreading, dreading, dreading having The Talk.

Will we have it tonight, when we go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant? (her idea, btw, to go out to dinner.)

Will it be some evening after the kids are in bed?

What if she says she wants to try to work it out?

(If she doesn’t, then I think everything goes easier. I think.)

Last night, after we got the kids to bed, we stayed up and watched a movie on DVD. She extended her legs on the couch so that her feet touched my leg… the first sign of affection in a very long time. I did nothing. She pulled back.

We went to bed at the same time for the first time in weeks. She didn’t scoot all the way over to her side, again touching me with her legs. Again, I did nothing. We fell asleep.

She is overwhelmed with all we have to do just to get our financial house in order (not that she’s doing what needs to be done) and taking care of the kids (which is a lot of work, and is wearing her down.) I suspect she sees The Talk coming. But if so, she’s not doing much to head it off. I’m worried about the possibility of adding too much to her burdens. But I also know I can’t continue to carry our marriage alone on my back.

Oh, I’m dreading it. I’m dreading, dreading, dreading having The Talk.

[But I remain committed to having it.]

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Responses

  1. The talks in my place over the past few days have worn me down. It is exhausting. And I dread the more to come.

  2. Her actions tell me that she’s having second thoughts as well. You are both looking at tossing over something well-known for the unknown, and that is always scary. Each of you is going through your mental closets and looking at everything that emerges, evaluating whether it can be discarded or not.

    All you can do at this point is to see what develops, and don’t think that just because you have one good or bad day together said day defines where things are between you. Things are going to vary greatly, more than they have, and to read things into them that maybe aren’t really there will only distract you from moving ahead.

    Open honesty is about the only advice I can offer you. You have to at least let her know where you are even if she can’t do the same for you. And leave her a way out should an argument arise. It may not be the topic but the tension between you that drives it.

  3. The Talk is never easy, but it is necessary. Then you can exhale and move on to the next phase of your life. You can do this! I have faith in you!

  4. No, the talk sucks. Actually getting THE words out is so so sooooooooo hard. But I do wish you the best of luck.

  5. I’m with ToppHogg. It seems like she’s unsure of the course you guys are on. But that may just be fear and not a conscious desire to make any effort or change.

    Also, I’ve found it’s best to get any and all talks of this sort over with. Otherwise I make myself sick worrying about them.

    I’ll be thinking of you guys.

  6. Wow, good luck…I can’t imagine, but you are doing what you need to do, and I wish you nothing but the best in your journey!! Good luck!

  7. How did it go? Yes, the talk is horrible, horrible. Her reaching out to you is not necessarily a sign that she wants to stay together, but it is a peace offering of a sort. I expect, as you say, she knows what’s coming. It’s scary for her too, especially if you two have leaned on one another in various ways for many years. Sometimes each of you will need to comfort of the other through this process, just to be sure you are both okay. Old habits do die hard, but sometimes they can transform themselves into something that is helpful.

  8. I don’t trust her.

  9. Um, take it from another woman (i.e. me) that Penny knows exactly what she is doing to you right now. Her tiny little acts of physical contact are powerful little guilt-trips. She is never going to beg you to stay or take responsibility for her failure to pull her weight in your marriage. She is going to play the helpless card as long as it takes to non-verbally coerce you into staying. What are you going to do?

  10. I agree with Ms. Behaviour. My STBX tried the same things with me. Little signs of affection (when there was none for months), a cooked meal (which was more rare than sex). But when it came down to it, she never was willing to change. It was still all my fault and I was the one who had to be completely overhauled.

    Stick to your guns if you really want out. And good luck with the conversation.

  11. Thank you all for your comments. I’ve really needed to hear (read) them.

    We have not yet had The Talk. But it’s coming. While I’ve set a firm deadline in my head (first week of January), I suspect it’s going to happen sooner than that — most likely tonight or tomorrow night. I’ll keep you posted.

    And thanks again.

  12. My thoughts are with you. Good luck with the talk. All I can say is, stay strong! I think if you do what’s best for you, and stick to that, the outcome will be what you want it to be. I know this its hard though. Take care.


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