Posted by: itneverrainsinseattle | December 6, 2009

Reasons and Excuses

I have long pondered the question of why. Why does Penny not want to have sex with me? Why, why, why? Perhaps, if we can isolate the problem, we can better approach a solution.

Once, when telling a therapist about how I’d tried to be more romantic, etc., it was on the heels of me mentioning how Penny gets stressed over financial situations. The therapist laughed and said, well, being romantic hardly makes Penny feel more financially secure. Yes. Although our conversation was shifting paradigms without a clutch, the principle is true: knowing the disease makes it easer to figure out what to do about the symptoms.

Visitors to this site have started to speculate, and truthfully, I’d love to hear if any of you have a take that might shed some light on the situation, but I’ve probably run though all of the most obvious.

Reasons and Excuses for Penny to Not Want Sex With Me

I’m the worst lover a girl could have. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and in my darker moods have thought it might be true, but there is much evidence to the contrary. For example, I’ve had other women who actually didn’t seem to mind having sex with me. More than once. (In the same day, even.) One woman even claimed to have enjoyed her first multiple orgasm with me. I’m no Casanova, but I don’t think I’m so terrible as to warrant celibacy as being the best response to any sexual ineptitude on my part. And, really, I’ve tried to be a better lover. All to no avail.

She’s gay. Very plausible. If she wants children so bad, but hates sex with men, this would make sense. But, there’s evidence to the contrary here, as well. Her dating (and, apparently, fucking) a certain shithead during our break-up period during the country-song phase of my life counts as evidence. Asked point blank by one of our couples counselors, Penny said, “No,” very believably. In fact, she’s made it clear that she would like to have sex with men. Just not with me.

She’s a victim of some past trauma or abuse. Asked point blank, she has also denied this as a possibility. And, as more than one counselor I’ve spoken with has said, while past trauma can be to blame for this kind of sexual dysfunction, there’s typically something else at play. Again, if there’s some trauma that she won’t talk about, then why did/does she appear to not have similar issues with other men?

She’s having an affair. After our experience during that period of time when we had broken up, but I was still trying to win her back, and she was dating my housemate (while he was still my housemate, and while all three of us were working for the same company where I was a partner, for fuck’s sake — hence, the country song-ishness of that period) I’ve been very, well, observant. Sensitive to clues. And the clues aren’t there. And she doesn’t have the time. While it’s possible… it’s still extremely unlikely.

She’s frigid and/or there’s some medical problem. Again, she claims this is not the case. And, if she does, in fact, want to have sex, just not with me, that would imply that if there is a medical problem, it’s only caused by having sex with me. Not to get too into it, but… I don’t think it’s a size issue. I’m not unsanitary. If there is a medical issue but she did want to have sex with me, why not talk to a doctor about it? But, again, she says this isn’t the case.

This leaves us with the last, and most plausible, obvious candidate:

She’s just not that into me. If she’s not into having sex with me, then why did she marry me? After everything we went through with that whole country song break-up situation, why get back together? Here’s my working theory: for some reason, she decided that the aforementioned shithead would not be a good match for her long term, and I was a safe choice. And she was getting older. And there were no other prospects on the horizon. And she wanted kids. And she knew I wanted kids. And, really, when you get right down to it, it’s not like I’m such a bad guy. I just don’t push her buttons. She just doesn’t like me in that way.

And that, ultimately, is why I think she doesn’t want to have sex with me: she settled. I’m not/wasn’t her type, but I would do for what she wanted in a husband.

But in the end, does it matter why? I suppose, if there’s a hope of fixing the situation and I still wanted to fix the situation, then yes, it might matter. Some of these possible reasons/excuses can be “fixed,” while others can’t. But I’ve tried to do what I can, with no apparent change.

Here’s a question, though: if she’s “just not that into me,” then what happens when I leave? Will that change her wanting me?

It might. But, that would be too bad. Because it will be too late.



  1. Wow, I’m really glad you ended this post with that conclusion because I was going to get all bitchy and say:


    Hmm, I guess I said it anyway. Okay, you may hate me now.

    Hey, would you spend this much energy trying to get (insert randomly selected supermodel/actress/porn star) to be attracted to you? No, you would just accept that not everyone is attracted to everyone else. Chemistry is intangible and inexplicable, is it not?

    It also changes with time. I am no longer attracted to any of my exes. Why is it such an intellectual conundrum to you that your wife does not feel attraction to you anymore (if indeed she ever did)? Surely you see this is as futile as trying to make someone fall in love with you?

    It’s time for you to move on. I can guarantee there are women out there who would willingly rip their clothes off and hurl their naked bodies at you. Hell, you had me with your first physics joke! Now, get out there and start getting some nerdy women action!

    (I live in Toronto, Canadia, if you’re interested. Ahem.)

  2. I’m going to have to agree with Ms Behaviour. Sure, I liked/loved/was attracted to The Former Mr, but things change. I think you enter a relationship/marriage with the best of intentions (I’d like to think most do) for making it work for the long-run, but you can’t anticipate what the long-run looks like. Like financials, and kids, and the fact that you are two people, not two halves of one whole. The phrase “my other half” pisses me off to no end.

    Frankly, once I had The Mook, I was overwhelmed by the changes in my body, the changes in my erogenous zones (my nipples have never been the same since breastfeeding), etc. Hell, my idea of foreplay was getting an extra hour of sleep. It took a long time to “recover” from that.

  3. I know the conclusion you’ve arrived at sucks. It’s something that I experienced just recently as a matter of fact. My ex-boyfriend loved me, but not that way. He wanted me in his life forever, but not as a life partner. I was his best friend, the best girlfriend he had ever had, but he didn’t want to marry me or have the future I longed to have with him.

    And there’s no way around that. Life is too short to settle. And sometimes you have to make the tough choice, know when to cut your losses and move on. You have to ask yourself, with all the time and energy you’re putting into the relationship, are you happy, is is worth it? Will the relationship ever be what you want and need?

    Because as hurt as I was that he didn’t want me, once I was far enough removed from the situation, I realized how much happier I was without him. And the life I’m having now, I never would have had with him. And these aren’t the words I say to comfort myself for ANOTHER relationship failure, these words are reality, echoed by all my friends and family.

    Sort of quote from Joy Luck Club: It does not matter that she is lost, you will be found and cherished.

    I’m thinking about you.

  4. I think sometimes it is just the most obvious thing when we want to search for something so much deeper. But it will be to bad on her part because you and your thankfully sanitary self can move on and get laid. 🙂 Keeping it simple tonight:)

  5. You have figured it out. And we all seem to agree:
    She’s just not that into you!
    And it sounds to me as if she never was. I can relate, because I “almost” settled for a guy who had “most” of what I wanted and needed. I shudder to think what my life might have been like if I’d given in to that.
    Thankfully, I held out and found someone I can’t get enough of (lucky him, huh?)
    You need to plan your exit. The sooner you’re out, the soomer you can start living. REALLY living.
    Originally, I thought Penny should read this, and that maybe your marriage could be saved. I realize now, it can’t be. YOU can be saved, just not the marriage. Go get laid. I’m serious. GO. GET. LAID.

  6. Like I said in the first post comments: You completed your task of genetic expansion. There is no longer any need for your continued services.

  7. When I stopped being into Church Boy, I stopped wanting to do anything physical with him. I had reached my peak of pretending to be okay with him and I just didn’t want to do it with him anymore.

    However, i can’t imagine going without sex for THAT long. i don’t know how she does it. there has to be SOMETHING wrong with her libido

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